


New drugs and complications.

by LoveAlwaysAndForever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dead Castiel, Dead Dean, Drugs, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 00:13:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5518280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveAlwaysAndForever/pseuds/LoveAlwaysAndForever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is dead and Castiel doesn't want live without him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meds.

Meds.

  
  
He had disappeared.  
He had disappeared for months by then, and everything in that house made me think that he was present, alive, in some part of the world or universe.  
I could hear his laughs near my ears, every time he whispered that he loved me and then he told me he had not said anything.  
He never admitted his feelings and when he did we always ended up quarrelling because I wanted to hear more of it, but he refused to do it and I shouted bad things.  
On my birthday, we had gone out to eat a pizza; I really felt loved and he held my hand tight like he was afraid to lose me. I was afraid to lose him, too, because I was and I am really jealous of him.  
A lot of people say that jealousy is a symptom of mistrust, and maybe they are right, I did not trust Dean, not with the character he had: he loved life, fun and occasional men.  
He loved me, of course, but he never did without some nights of amusement and I was always ready to forgive him like a faithful dog.  
Maybe this was my biggest mistake…  
By the way that evening we were talking at a bus stop, Dean was kissing me and after some minutes he went to the tobacconist's because he liked spoiling me with gummy sweets with sugar, he knew they took me to Heaven!  
When he went out, a car, an hit-and-run driver, skidded and hurt also three old men. He just had the time to look at me, then he fell down, on the bonnet, with opened eyes and with my sweets on his hands.  
It was me to call the ambulance and they immediately told me that my life with him had finished; they said to me, in that ‘’ I’m sorry’’ that all my life, my hopes, and the efforts to live like normal people had been shattered. Lost.  
Sam, his brother, came to my house and stayed with me for a month. He tried to make me go out, to wash me and even to make me eat, but everything was useless, because now he called me once a week, and phone calls ended after five minutes because he suffered for me.  
I was catatonic.  
I did nothing but crying and having… meds? If we want to call them like this… at least they calmed me down and made me feel safe.  
‘’So, where are you going?’’ he asked me sweetly. The way he looked so real was incredible. He took my hand and I felt his fingers sliding among mine, his skin, his heat and even the handshake.  
‘’At my friend’s, we are quite arriving, Dean!’’  
I gave a look around me and I smiled when I saw a strange creature on the other side of the road, it was incredible and it jumped from a place to another in the stairs of an apartment; but then I was distracted by some people.  
Why are they looking at me in a bad way?  
After some hours Dean had disappeared again and I was falling down, immediately, because all the effects of the med were vanishing.  
I turned left and I entered a dark horrible street, it smelled like acid pee, sweat, rubbish, rotten fish and stagnant water.  
I put my hood up and when I arrived behind a blue trash bin, Dylan showed up and got closer, hugging me.  
I felt some small bottles falling in the pockets of my light blue track suit and I did the same with the money. I must say that that situation was making me go bankruptcy, but those hallucinogens made me see Dean and this was enough.  
Mescaline , thank you for killing and saving me everyday.  
I came back home running and I took one, after closing it, then I left the small bottle on a piece of furniture and I waited that the retchings stopped, every time it was the same story!  
It looked like I ate rotten food!  
After an hour or two, that horrible sensation vanished and I was just crying and holding something tight.  
I could see Dean, and I did not care if the others saw a pillow. I was hugging Dean in that moment!

 


	2. I'm confuse.

I'm confuse.

 

That morning, I woke up in a good mood, Dean was next to me and was staring at me smiling, then I glanced at him and started laughing like I had never did before: he had a little Pikachu who was lying on his back, with the head on his bottom and the tail falling on his hip. Maybe watching cartoons the night before was not such a good idea!   
We both got up and went to have a shower that was not so familiar, I was sick and my body felt it so much that I could not neither eat nor get up and wash myself.   
Indeed, I was skin and bones: you could surround my arm with a hand and the bones of my pelvis were so protruding that I could put my fingers between them.   
Dean was cuddling me under the shower, he kissed me and caressed my back, he was not him, he did not look like my boyfriend. He would have crushed me against the tiles and would have kissed me hotly, and yet he was there, I saw him and he smiled, he looked at me with those green eyes.  
"Dean, you are sweet" I whispered.  
"It's you the one who wants me sweet, treasure. Your little brain makes you see what you want to see!" he answered and held my hands.  
Everything looked so real that I burst into tears immediately. I told him that I missed him, that I wanted to kiss him again and that I loved him, I told him that my body could not bear that shit anymore, that I did not have any money, but when I opened my eyes everything looked like I had gone back to normal and this frightened me: I did not see things moving slowly, the tiles did not change their colour spontaneously, the soap bubbles of the shampoo were white, not black or fuchsia or both the colors together.   
I took a deep breath, thinking I should go to Dylan again and I finished washing myself.  
But after, I was in front of the television, shocked.   
Raised by anger, I crushed the remote control against it and I broke it, I burst into tears: Dylan had been arrested for drug dealing and sentenced the death because of the homicide of a client. He was the only one who could give me that shit and I did not know how to do, I was trembling and suddenly I started looking in the boxes to find some residue of the drugs in the phials. I made everything fall on the ground, I screamed, and just when I took the trousers I had put on the day before I found one, but it did not calm me down... on the contrary, it made me become more and more agitated! I swallowed it and I waited those two damned hours spent between retchings, nausea, head turnings and weakness. I started feeling hot, a symptom that reported that everything was doing fine, and even though it was Winter I ended up walking slowly on the snow, in a terrace of the 20' floor, wearing jeans and a T-shirt. In the sky, I could see pink and blue meteorites crossing the cotton clouds, in a yellow and black sunset and the snow was not white, but gold. Everything was absurd and wonderful.   
"My love" I heard him calling behind me, and I felt the tears falling fast for happiness. I turned round and I saw him standing on the edge of the terrace. I reached him and I got up next to him, he held my hand and finally I was fine, very fine.   
I could feel the infinite between us in that apocalyptic hallucination and just in that moment I understood that in less than twelve hours all that was going to finish and I would never see him again because I did not know anyone who could sell me the Mescaline, none was mad enough to sell something which has worse effects than LSD.  
"Today we see each other for the last time..." I whispered "I must let you go, Dean... "   
He looked at me, shocked and got closer to me, behind my back. Then I was actually on the edge, but I am calm. He was hugging me sweetly from behind, he caressed my hands and then brought his on my hips. "We could go away together! " he said, whispering near my ear. I did not know which part of me was saying this, maybe the crazy one or maybe the normal one, but it sounded right: I couldn't live without him, I did not neither want to live without him nor to continue living in that situation. I did not have the money to buy it and my body did not stand it like in the past, if before they were just retchings, in that period they were real vomits. I held his hands and I looked at him smiling, he was adorable.   
"Together? " I asked smiling and kissing him. He said yes. Hallucinogens do not create dependence, but in my case I was totally dependent because they made me see my only drug. 

_-Try my best to forget-_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ispired song: Meds - Placebo.

**Author's Note:**

> Translated by Flavia Castiel Ausilio.


End file.
